DIGITAL LOVE

All this talk of technology in GQ has got me rather moist! Not just because it allows efficiency and simplicity to prevail (supposedly), but because I’ve imagined, with a healthy amount of optimism, the future of visual arousal. Sex has always found its way into the visual medium; first there were drawings and paintings, next came photographs, cue film and later 3D… next: sweet holograms. With the Japanese committed to creating realistic holographic TV by 2016, it’s not unimaginable how things will develop once the visuals are near perfect. For God’s sake, I can’t be the only one who’s watched Star Trek and questioned why the hell they aren’t creating virtual orgies in the ‘holodeck’. The fact is, it’s a principle based on some already developing technology, that will mean before I die - I might be able to have sex with Batman and it won’t involve a real person in a cheap, spandex all-in-one from the joke shop.

Where can I get a costume like this?!

By the time they’ve perfected holographic projections and found a way to trick us into thinking they’re solid matter (there’s talk of sensory manipulation and ultrasonic waves to create pressure sensations…); prostitutes for one and the pitfalls of using them, will surely be a thing of the past. For one initial, albeit it crippling, investment – all of the sex in the world could be right at your dirty finger tips and the package would come minus contraception, embarrassment and a guilt complex.

Of course, the concept would never replace human to human chemistry, this would merely be an expensive sex toy. But imagine the perks: being able to program a simulation of pure aesthetic perfection and input your favourite sexual routines, then have them played out in order or randomly, to your exact specifications. I can picture it now: one minute I’d be hanging from Bruce’s office window at Wayne Enterprises (badly attempting suicide due to the unrequited nature of my obsession), the next I’m plummeting to the streets of Gotham (the sensations and G force of which, in an ideal world, would also be simulated, don’t laugh!); when suddenly, the caped crusader himself swoops past and saves me, taking me to the top of a nearby skyscraper where he lays me down, rips my knickers off with his teeth and gives me head. Oh God. Cunnilingus and the bat mask. Can I get a moment? There’s a reason those ears are so pointy and firm. They were designed to be held, while he buries his sexy mouth into some poor damsel’s cooch. (Preferably mine.)

It seems obvious to me. How else would you explain the design of this mask? 

The other obvious advantage to this enhanced form of virtual reality, is being able to test scenarios out before you debut them on real people. Sure, the computer generated eye candy you’re playing with is going to react exactly as she or she is programmed to – but it would give you, the user, an idea of your own boundaries and the scope to experiment beyond your wildest and most cringe worthy fantasies. Think you might want to have your face bukkaked, but also want your credibility in tact? Enter your bespoke team of non judgmental holographs-cum-Olympic virtual spunk shooters. (Pretend wet wipes optional.)

There are a couple of obvious drawbacks. Firstly, you’ll be so used to borg-style perfection, that sex with someone flawed, involving bad (or even half bad) technique, will become simply unbearable. And of course you’ll be so spoilt for choice with what’s readily on offer, you’ll quickly become bored and sex may be in danger of becoming (God forbid) passé. With nothing off limits, what will remain taboo, apart from the notion that you could still always be doing the unspeakable with a real person? Who cares? It’s a risk I’ll be willing to take. In the mean time for my technology thrills, I’ll stick to using my iPad to watch porn on the tube.