FACE IT GIRLS: WE'LL NEVER BE EVEN

Women. We're a confused bunch, torn between trying to assert ourselves as equal to, sometimes even above men and being so fucking turned on by being sexually lusted after, that it often hurts and the only remedy is to get laid like a blow up doll. True feminists would say these two ideals are a perfect juxtaposition. I'd say we're getting more and more like men by the day. The very fact that we can be comfortable with being dominant and submissive depending on how we feel and that it doesn't have to mean anything, signifies our arrival at the place of 'no label', the place where we can just be; without excuse. It's been a luxury afforded to men since evolution began. And now we're free to experiment and enjoy sex merely for the sake of it, we don't have to be categorised, we don't have to explain ourselves. If we want to be held down and fucked mercilessly senseless one day, then tie a man up and sit on his face for hours the next, we can do that. Hell, we can treat and be treated any way possible, as long as it's consensual and no-one gets hurt against their will. That could have been the end of this blog entry, if everything were really on that much of an even keel. Alas, there is a small problem. One which still divides men and women in the bedroom, one which given an unnecessarily prolonged life thanks to mindless, unoriginal and badly directed porn; just won't go away. It looks like this -

Men: I know you don't understand women, but do you actually think we enjoy this?

What man, in their right mind, thinks that it turns a woman on, to shoot his slimy, stringy load all over the face that she kindly made up to perfection, so that he would find her attractive in the first place? It seems my own husband did, until I educated him. It's just bad fucking manners! I mean for the love of God, just imagine trying to get that shit out of your eyelashes!!

Let's break this down. Why would a man even feel the need to cum on a woman's face? And make no mistake - it's not like cumming on any other part of the body. The tits - fine. The arse - sexy. But the face is the one part of the body that should remain sacred, totally equal to that of your partner's. The face is the personality, it's how we communicate, where we see, where we breathe - it's the focal point of a human being. Why would he want to desecrate it with his semen as he stands over her, lording it like a fireman with his hose, trying to put out the flickering flame of independence she's finally proud to own? It seems pretty obvious to me; that above all else it's a sign of ownership, if only for the short time he's doing her. A bit like a tom cat pissing up a hedge or my male rabbit, pissing up my leg - but these are animals, they have underdeveloped brains no bigger than the average testicle and no other way of being able to communicate! Can't men make do with an engagement ring or if that's too much to ask, simply stealing your knickers? A cum facial is also what I like to call a sexual V sign. A 'fuck you, bitch, I'm done here and you're nothing to me', as he wipes his cock on the curtain, zips his flies back up, steps over you and reaches for the door, leaving you to try and regain your eyesight. Now, I like rough sex and I like playing the dirty slut sometimes, I like power play and I'm happy to be someone's whore, because in a weird inexplicable way I feel empowered by it, but the thin line between dominance and complete insult and disrespect is one that many men, in their small minded way, never quite seem to grasp.

Male dominance when it works and when it's hot. So sexy...

Though I'm often accused of being a lipstick feminist, I'm also a wholehearted believer and accepter of what men and women find attractive about each other - men are strong, powerful, physically assertive; women are soft, caring, tactile and nurturing. These are indisputable and unchangeable differences which we have come to accept, begrudgingly in some cases. But I love it. It's like yin and yang. Men and women have superiority in very different ways, but who comes out on top in the bedroom? Well I had this conversation with a friend and we agreed that the physical makeup of men and women holds the answer. To put it crudely, a man has a big protruding thing which becomes user friendly at will, with which to poke into a hole, dare I go so far as to say, a void - until he is satisfied. We women, bearer of the void, are at an immediate disadvantage - we can be raped for a start. These physiological facts are just something we have to come to terms with because the situation's never going to change and to be honest, it's best not to dwell on it if you're even remotely liable to bouts of feminist rage and feelings of inferiority. On the whole, it doesn't appear to be an issue - women and men bond very well, they're physically and emotionally compatible in the bedroom, they're both geared up to experience equal amounts of pleasure, often from mutual activities like penetration; but then men have to go and spoil things by upsetting what we hoped (naively) was a power balance. 'I'm going to ruin you' is the phrase of choice for the misled alpha male, trying his damnedest to turn his woman on. And if he's the type to say things like that, you can guarantee that he's just booked you an appointment for a protein face masque that's going to take some serious scrubbing to remove.

"I say darling, one has had a rather splendid idea!"

I asked quite a few men about the whole 'cum facial' scenario. The general consensus was that indeed, it's a man's favourite bedroom showpiece. Why? 'Because it's dirty', was the reply every single time. As they were unable to be more specific, I was left to wonder - what does this mean? In my mind, dirty is synonymous with lack of respect, of treating a woman like a shag bag, not a human being who has the same desires for pleasure. And if there's one thing men are good at, it's being in denial and carrying on regardless. 'I wouldn't do it if my wife/girlfriend didn't like it', I hear them bleat, like I should award them for their generosity in even contemplating what their wife/girlfriend wants! I wonder how many of them have actually asked; and of the ones who have, I wonder whether their other halves do genuinely enjoy it or are just too spineless to tell the truth and don't want to appear frigid. Women are renowned for being passive about sex - anything to please the man. Well - not on my watch! Girls, for fucks sake, do yourselves a favour.

I'm going to put it out there for all womankind - the only time I'd ever get my face spunked on, is if I was abducted by a necrophiliac. When the idea has been put to me in the past, (I say idea, it was more me being informed of what's about to happen) the man's fateful words were usually met with first pity at his unoriginal and clearly faltering attempts at trying to be macho, then: complete contempt. Let's be honest, he might as well tell you he's going to take a big, steaming shit on your face and will then rub it in with his shoe on his way out the door. Yes, it's that much of an insult. To add insult to injury, I quizzed my male interview subjects on the following scenario, to see how they'd react when the balance is redressed, as one female friend put it: "Let's say you'd just cum on your woman's face and she leaned in to kiss you, getting some of your cum on your face and on your mouth. How would you react, would this bother you?" Well, I might as well have asked them if it's OK to do them really hard up the arse, with a 12 inch, pink-diamond encrusted dildo, bearing the Barbie logo. Standard remarks included 'Gross', 'Creeped out', 'Are you serious?! I don't want my jizz on my face!'. I wonder if even now, when reading this in context, their hypocrisy is sinking in.

I personally am not repulsed by my own bodily fluids. And if I were, I wouldn't be arrogant enough to assume someone else wants them all over their boat race! I could quite happily writhe around all over a man's face, kiss him afterwards and if he wanted, I would even lick it all off - because A. I'm not a hypocrite and B. I don't secrete Bostik! I've tried many times to think of the female equivalent for this degrading and domineering habit. The best and most similar that I can come up with, displaying the same lack of respect, is straddling his face until he nearly suffocates. But assuming he lives, even that lacks the same finality, the parting gift of 'Thanks, now deal with all the white slime that's about to stick your eyelids together'. If only we could projectile deposit our periods, believe you me, I'd have that down to a fine art! Maybe Mary Wollstonecraft was right all along: the ultimate threat to a man's power is a woman who is more intelligent than him! Well don't be surprised if we come to that obvious conclusion, when you come out with such laughable lines as 'I'm going to cum all over your face' or 'I'm going to ruin you!' Physical ruin, (on a woman not equipped with the right shoes) you might be capable of. But in the long run, our manipulative minds will still be in tact, whereas yours, if the woman has done her job properly - will be scarred for life. And projectile cum shooting isn't going to help you.

Now go forth and have some respect!

Thanks to my interview subjects. I'm sorry I have to disagree with a lot of the men I spoke to! No hard feelings boys, I still love you. ;)

Thank you to John Seaman, talented photographer and my friend, responsible for the gorgeous photo of the red head and her stud. For more info on his work, please visit - www.modelmayhem.com/484036 or http://www.ablackswan.com/