THE ELUSIVE ORGASM

Women's magazines will have you believing that an orgasm shouldn't be the primary goal when you have sex. So, when your orgasm goes AWOL (and everyone suffers this from time to time), we should merely rejoice in the sacred journey to.... well, the land of no orgasm. I will quote my favourite fictional character Samantha Jones - that is such a crock of shit. Sex without climax is like December without the 25th. All that fuss and effort and hard fucking work - and you don't even get to open your presents and squeal with delight at the treat that comes out of nowhere! Now, before we go any further, it's not all bad. Like December, sex provides some fun along the way, but - (assuming a vaginal orgasm is the urban myth everyone knows it to be) it just leads to a massive amount of frustration when it doesn't culminate in anything. There you are, your legs wrapped around some hot guy, his big hard cock feels great inside you, if you're lucky it might even make contact with your G spot for at least some of the time - and you're trying, you're really God damn well trying... it feels fucking amazing, because nothing compares to being fucked really hard - but to make it perfect, YOU NEED TO COME! So later on, you'll try and go it alone. You're not even going to waste your time with such primitive instruments that resemble a cock. You'll be trying to hit the spot with the real deal - a rampant rabbit. And that rarely disappoints, but when even that does, you know you're really in the shit.

In case you hadn't noticed, it's giving you the V sign

It gets worse. For those normal women among us, who insist on coming first (because let's be honest, if you haven't come before him, you can kiss goodbye to ever coming at all...), you might have even been in the position where a man is eating your pussy like his life depended on it. Making eye contact with you every so often, in such eager anticipation is he that you climax, he's trying things that would challenge an octopus. The more you both want it to happen, the less achievable it seems to be, until he's practically blue-faced and half dead and you're lying on your back in a state of extreme irritation, cursing the usually excitable clitoris that seems to have gone into a coma and wondering if it will ever be revived.

 Yes please

The female libido and ability to orgasm is so finely tuned to the mind and underlying factors, that sometimes, when you most expect to be able to come, you simply can't. You can guarantee it will be when you're in the situation you assumed would most turn you on. Perhaps it's the classic case of anticlimax, perhaps it's the forbidden nature of what you're doing that creates a mental block, perhaps it's simply the fact that you want to come so badly, you're just trying too hard - one thing's for sure, if your brain has an issue with the situation for whatever reason, it's not going to get you there. In my experience, forget fantasies, the best orgasms happen when you let go of thought 100%. When you're in the most safe and comfortable situation possible, alone or with someone, not being judged and not worrying about how you'll come across to another person and whether or not they'll like or approve of you and your bedroom antics and concentrating purely on the sensations - this is prime mindblowing territory. That said, I'd like to hope it's pretty amazing if you can get there when all the odds are against you and your over-analytical brain... when you're doing something really fucking bad, when your Mum definitely wouldn't approve - even if she's Ann Summers and when it feels so wrong that it can only be right. It's no wonder that in moderation, drugs and alcohol seem to allow for such amazing sex. If you can get the balance right between stone cold sober and wasted (ie - inhibitionless and ripe for the time of your life) and you don't have to drive home with your shamed head in your hands, you're onto a clear winner.