BOUND AND GAGGED

What was meant to be a liberating habit, has ceased to exist at all just lately. (No, not masturbating, updating my blog!) Since it is no longer anonymous as most of the people I know read it, I have fallen into the trap I was trying to avoid, of having to censor myself. Not so much for me or to save my own dignity, but more that of other people who I care about and who generally have more self respect when it comes to airing their dirty laundry. So, just as I was starting to get a fairly regular following, I had to go silent. And I'm feeling the pain. I have this over whelming urge to just blurt stuff out, either by talking to people or by writing. Somehow it makes me feel better about myself, it's like a verbal purging of my inner demons, those bastards that eat away from the inside unless you find a way to let them out.

Make a sound and I'll slit your fucking throat, bitch...

Thus, my musings have become confined to my sweeter, more naive little sister - the column in the paper. I'm going to have to find a way to reconcile with my blog because I miss it and it misses me and together we have a lot of fun. But where's the fun in holding back? The fun you'd have reading this, if I were to really let rip...

I'm trying to get to the root of what I'm scared of and I believe it's that I can't control how people judge me. And they would judge me. And the very worst case scenario? My Mother would find out. And after saying ten hail Marys, throwing Holy water on me and watching me sizzle and burn as she drags me to the nearest Priest for absolution, she would then proceed to judge me as well. We all judge each other. It's an inevitable trait that comes with being human and morally accountable. (We especially judge our own children, because we feel responsible for the person they turn out to be.) How do we come about our judgment call? We figure, if I wouldn't do it, neither should they.

Therefore, the only way to avoid being subject to someones opinions about you, is to shut the fuck up.

Now, if I can manage to think of something else to talk about...