HOT FUZZ

It's high time I lowered the tone again and after a rather lengthy Facebook discussion with a certain friend of mine today, the subject of hair removal was brought up. Make that pube removal. (Because few people have an issue with the hair on their heads!) Said friend was questioning the etiquette of male hair down under. Since I could never do justice to his genius phrasing, I am going to quote him directly -

"Is it gay or too vain? Does it grow back less coarse? Will it be 'fluffy bum' with regrowth, after a year of waxing? I don't want to be on that slab one day and a fit coroner go eeewwwwhhh!! And would it be cost effective against 27 wipes as opposed to max 2 wipes?"

A complicated and sticky subject with many concerns and I must say, it's nice for a man to be thinking about it in this much detail for a change. Think it's easy to have smooth, fuzz free rude bits?! Do you??! I will attempt to address these issues one by one as they all deserve my full attention and a friend in need is for sure, a friend indeed...

Is it gay or too vain? Well, that depends on your motivation for going hair free. If it's easy access you're after and good aim for your chocolate starfish, then yes it's gay. If it's because you don't like the thought of your partner staring into your hair infested crack as you're engaged in a soixante neuf, then yes, it's vain. One other possibility is that you might be showing some consideration for your partners aversion to hair balls, particularly if your waxing extends to the scrotal area and you're partial to a bit of tea bagging!

Does it grow back less coarse? Will it be 'fluffy bum' with regrowth, after a year of waxing? No, it does not grow back less coarse. As anyone who has ever tweezed their eyebrows or shaved their legs will know, it grows back with a wiry vengeance. Unless you're one of the unlucky few for whom it barely grows back at all, because each poor hair is trapped under the skin and can only make an appearance in the guise of an angry spot. Don't be surprised if the itching is so bad, you get accused of having crabs.

You've been warned...

I don't want to be on that slab one day and have a fit coroner go eeewwwwhhh!!! I'm not that clued up on post-mortem code of practise, but I'm going to assume that unless they suspect you've been bummed to death, they won't turn you on your side and have a gawp between your bum cheeks. But if they do, it's true, they might prefer the sight of a neatly groomed crevice. That said, we are talking corpses here. And if the coroner is even remotely attracted to you in your, erm, stiff state... the last thing I'd be worrying about if I were your ghost staring down from the ceiling, would be the state of my bum hole. Furthermore, is there such a thing as a fit coroner?!

Would it be cost effective against 27 wipes, as opposed to max 2 wipes? It's no secret that hair harbours all manner of particles. Remember Roald Dahl's story, The Twits? Mr Twit's beard was a haven of food, clinging mercilessly to the hairs surrounding the hole in his face. If stuff on the way in gets caught up, it's got to work the other way around! I can validate this claim further. My dog, a wire-haired miniature sausage dog, has the 'scruffy rear end = caught up poo crumbs' problem and I have to sort it out with nail scissors on a regular basis. I'm not sure toilet paper would resolve this problem, rather than make it a whole lot worse and spread it about! With this in mind, toilet paper can do its job a whole lot better if it's wiping against a smooth surface. You may be able to economise right down to one sheet if you invest in a quality 3 ply quilted and some veet.

NB: I am all for male hair removal in any region where oral activity may be a possibility. May this be your guide. It's not gay, it's not vain, it's just polite. If you don't want your Mrs to be hiding a shag pile between her pins for you to cough up after a few seconds of lapping, then you're going to have to set an example. This is the 21st century, we reserve the right to go on strike.

This post is dedicated to my friend ML. Much love! You always make me smile. X